Happy today

I'm doing well today. I have distracted myself by doing a complete overhaul of my room. Every drawer, cupboard and box was tipped onto the floor. I divided everything up into piles, and the biggest pile is the one going in the bin.

Stopped for a Subway break at around 3pm and now I'm back into it. Having a few drinks tonight so I probably wont eat anything else. I'm feeling good!

Silly girl

Grr. So angry with myself right now. I thought I would have two pieces of whole grain toast with an egg. Well I did, then I thought one more wouldn't hurt. That would have been okay. But then I ate two warm white bread rolls smothered in butter. So bad! Now I'm having a mental battle with myself as to whether I should go an purge or not. At the moment, I think I will probably go and purge.

What a great start.

Promo...

Welcome to blog number two

I am slowly discovering how writing things down is helping me and clearing my head up. So here goes blog number two, following my ongoing struggle with food.

It all began at around the age of thirteen. I thought I was fat, so one day I just stopped eating. None of this 'slowly cutting down portion sizes' business. I just stopped. And I dropped weight fast. However, I still thought I was fat. I look back on those photos and think how stupid I was, and also how skinny I was. I wish I was that skinny now. But I was unhappy then, and this continued for years. I left home at sixteen and moved cities, and my eating habits became worse. I ate tiny portions of my food, if anything at all. Maybe a piece of fruit for lunch. As time went on, I became a happier person. Started eating again and enjoying life.

One day, I looked in the mirror and saw the fat girl again. She had somehow come back without my knowledge. She just snuck up on me. By this time, I was actually enjoying food. I couldn't just stop eating again because my flat mates would suspect something, at least at dinner time anyway. So at the age of seventeen I became bulimic. Throwing up after almost every meal unless I considered it 'healthy.' This helped me shed a few kilos, but it wasn't enough. I kind of gave up on being bulimic and just started to enjoy life. Of course, the bulimia never really left me. If I had days when I thought I ate too much I would rush straight to the bathroom to purge. And I still do.

Now, at nineteen years old, things have taken a turn for the worst. I look in the mirror and I am disgusted with what I see. I have never been this fat in my life. I have days where I try not to eat, but I think I have developed a food addiction. Once I start I just can't stop. Just a few hours ago I ate three pieces of toast smothered with peanut butter, some ice cream straight from the tub and a muesli bar. I had already eaten a piece of fish and some chips for dinner! I wasn't even hungry, I just ate because it was there and I couldn't stop.

So, starting right now I want to get better. I want to recover from every kind of eating disorder. From the anorexia, from the bulimia and from the food addiction. No more purging after meals. No more binge eating, and no more starving myself. I want to eat three sensible, healthy meals a day with snacks in between such as fruit. I want to go to the gym at least three times a week. I want to be able to have the odd treat and not feel guilty. I want to be happy and healthy, and it starts today. It starts right now. I may even cut back on my drinking. That's not a promise, but it would be nice.

Join me on my journey, emotional and physical. Support would be great, haters are not welcome. Even if you read my other blog, in which I can come across as a bit of a skank, don't judge me on that. This is a different story and a different side to me. One that has affected me for years and one I want to change.